The Best-Worst Food News From This Month
Keep it coming, humanity (and bees).
September 14, 2018 ● 2 min read
By Richie Nakano | Photo via USA Today
There is so much incredibly stupid and horrifying news these days, often coming all at once, forming, if you will, a bad news mille-feuille.
But sometimes, stupid things can be fun, like Jason Statham movies, or rumors about how Taylor Swift is actually 75 vipers coiled tightly together under a blonde wig. In the spirit of all those stupid things we like, a few gems you may have missed:
We doubt you really missed this one because the pumpkin-spiced chip that was secretly implanted in your arm during the fall of 2003 has probably been burning. Bust out your sweater and Uggs regardless of the weather and hang up a wood block that has the words “Coffee Friends Home” painted on it, because it’s time to write and read each other's 4000-word essays on cuffing, Instagram posts about how “cozy” you are. Despite our yearly mockery of PSL culture, the beverage just keeps chugging. Its pumpkin-spiced vines have continued to grow, overtaking beer, Pringles, and yes, Oreos. Buckle up, Becky.
Butter Pageant Queens are Better
At the Minnesota State Fair, they carved the likeness of a pageant queen out of butter and crowned her “Princess Kay of The Milky Way.” Now, it's unclear if these people think that the dairy required to make butter comes from the Milky Way, but that's not the point here: The point is that carving stuff out of butter rules and if we made this a mainstream practice it would undoubtedly improve life on Earth for the butter. That's right. I'll see myself out.
A Town Called Miracle (Whip)
A small town in Florida is temporarily changing its name from “Mayo” to Miracle Whip. Miracle Whip, if you’re not familiar, is that bizarrely tangy yet sweet and also somehow aerated version of mayo your weird Aunt always had at her house. With all things mayo under fire lately, I can see why the publicity stunt was attempted, but the reaction online wasn’t... great. Things I can imagine happening in Miracle Whip, Florida: potato salad tasting menus, people describing themselves as "tangy" on their Tinder profiles, people getting arrested for ordering their sandwiches "no Miracle Whip."
Still Not Over That Bee Swarm On The Hot Dog Cart
Times Square was effectively shut down when a swarm of bees descended on the umbrella above a hot dog cart. I understand that a swarm of bees has a certain unsettling effect, but I can assure you that they are the least horrifying creatures that typically frequent literally ANY New York City dining establishment. (I'm looking at you, family-of-opossums-living-in-the-ceiling-tiles-above-the-private-dining-room-a- Per-Se.) Did New Yorkers let this get in their way of a tasty hot dog? Probably not.
A pizzeria in New York is making a pizza that uses mustard as its sauce because truly nothing is sacred. Sure, there are people out there who would say something along the lines of: “But it has pastrami and cheese on it, so it's basically just a Reuben.”
FIRST OF ALL a Reuben has sauerkraut and Russian dressing. But this is beside the point. The question we need to be asking ourselves is where do we draw the line? We gonna start saucing pizza with sweet chili sauce? Green goddess dressing? Why not put ranch dressing on the pizza then use tomato sauce to dip in? (That last one will become an award-winning pop up two years from now, you're welcome.)
Long Live Googly Eyes On Old Fish
A fish market in Kuwait got shut down for putting googly eyes on their foggy-eyed, slowly rotting fish in order to pass them off as extremely alert, took-too-much Adderall fish. This is extremely gross and also extremely funny and it’s worth noting that hustles so stupid they have no chance of succeeding deserve our admiration—and also a mild amount of pity.