A Typical Press Release
Tis the season for extortion, ass-clowns!
November 20, 2015 ● 2 min read
From: Surly Gourmand
Date: November 20, 2015 at 3:29 AM PST
To: undisclosed recipients
Subject: Host the Awesome Surly Gourmand on Christmas Day!
Greetings, chefs! I hope this important press release finds you healthy and happy. With the holidays fast approaching, it’s time for us to gather our loved ones for feasting and merriment and yes, even blogging! I’ll be busy updating my extremely popular Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Ello, Pinterest, Tumblr, Yelp, Youtube, Friendster, Myspace, Friendtube, Friendpage, Facetube, Youface, Mytube, Myface, and Mypage accounts. This is where you come in!
Word of mouth is very important to restaurants, and if you want your menu to go “viral,” it helps to have social networking connections. And nobody has more social networking connections than me. So in order to help your restaurant out during the busy holiday season, I’m proposing an astonishingly generous offer. My family needs a delicious, 21-course Christmas tasting menu, and you need the publicity only an advanced, level 46 blogger with a Dwarvish Laptop +1 vs Undead, can provide.
So here’s the deal. I need a table at your restaurant on Christmas day for twelve of my closest friends, along with my wife Lucretia and my children Jynnyfyr, Arugula, Sage, Frank Bruni, Jr., Princess Tam Tam, and Cornelius. You provide me and my guests, free of charge, with five drinks each and an original, off-menu Christmas feast. In return, I photograph and live tweet the entire meal, and promise to post at least three photos to Instagram, as well as a blog post and a Facebook post detailing the wonderful meal.
Now I know what you’re thinking: who cares about Facebook? It’s just for tolerating your aunt’s complaining about Obamacare and stalking your high school girlfriend and wondering why she married Brad, right? And Twitter, isn’t it just a bunch of mansplaining sandwiched between photos of cats and out-of-place ads for Northrup Grumman? Not so. My Instagram account is followed by over 100 people! I have literally tens of Facebook friends! My twitter feed is seen by 50,000 followers, at least twelve of whom aren’t porn bots!
This literally is the opportunity of a lifetime, an event as momentous as the construction of the pyramids or the Apollo Program or the opening of a new In-N-Out. Don’t let it slip away. If you weren’t planning on being open for Christmas, that’s okay; I’m sure your line cooks and waiters will be excited to serve us, considering how important this dinner will be for your restaurant’s future!
But wait, there’s more! If you throw in a bottle of at least 25-year-old-port, I will publish my review of the dinner in Papyrus font! Christmas never tasted so classy.
This is an innovative and effective way for your restaurant to reach several foodies on one of the most competitive nights of the year. Don’t miss out!
Your Friend the Surly Motherfucking Gourmand
Publisher, Gastronomie D’Enfer
CEO of Your Mom