The Five Chefs You'll Find on Social Media
Hashtag PERSONAL BRAND.
May 18, 2016
Social media: a vast, barren wasteland, rife with mansplaining, poorly-lit selfies and #MakeAmericaGreatAgain tweets.
For every post, there are fifty more that'll make your eyes melt back into your skull from pure rage. Social media in the food world can be especially bad (ever looked at the #cheflife hashtag?) — here's a guide to the murky swamp of personalities you'll encounter on every platform.
The Pop-Up Chef
This Tuesday! The First Annual Downtown Fresno Hot Chicken Pop Up! 6-10! Tickets just $40!!!
Social media is a great tool for promoting events…but there’s always that one dude who's constantly posting about their next thing. Crucial information — like the menu, or the location — is often missing from their posts, and there’s always the more desperate variations that go up the day of, with thinly-veiled lies like: “Just a few tickets left!!!!!!!” Their hustle is admirable, but the execution can cause depression and anxiety.
Annoyance level: Kanye on a bender
The Famous Chef
This chef inexplicably followed you on Instagram six months ago, and despite your complete disinterest and general disdain for them, you followed back. Now you’re served daily posts authored by a social media intern, hawking low calorie pinot grigio launches and gluten-free recipe apps. After a while, you unfollow, but you get drawn back in when the celeb chef sends half of the friends on your follow list a dick pic and they all blame you in a roundabout way.
Creep level: Anthony Weiner circa 2013
The Narcissist Chef
There’s something refreshing about someone that really rides for themselves. Intermittent polite boasting can be a little bright spot amidst the drudgery and unpleasantness of the average social media feed, but this chef loves their own face so much, one wonders how they get any cooking done. Their Instagram feed is a mosaic of selfies and carefully posed portraits (in the kitchen, at home, staring off wistfully while rocking a brand new Hedley & Bennett apron), and the Twitter feed is even worse — a steady stream of compliment retweets and little else.
Selfie count: Kardashian-esque.
The Traveling Chef
Does this motherfucker ever work? One day they're Snapchatting from Dubai, the next day they're cooking a dinner in New Orleans, then they're posting selfies with Future from the VIP area at Coachella. It’s never clear that there’s any actual cooking going on, but the captions always come off humble-braggy, like “Just kicking it with my girl ScarJo at the Avengers premiere!” Jealousy is bad and wrong and yet you perpetuate the bad feelings this person brings because you gotta hate-follow someone, right?
Frequent Flyer Miles: 0. You don't get frequent flyer miles when you're on a private jet with Jacques Pepin.
The Thirsty Chef
There aren't enough hashtags in the world for this person, and the limit on people you can tag in a post is their greatest struggle in life. All they really want in life is a little validation, a little acceptance, maybe for Rene Redzepi to give them a goddamn retweet? It’s not even clear what they're trying to promote, but between their Snapcode profile pic and “follow back so I can DM you” tweets, shit is bleak.
Hashtag count: #cheflife #chefs #cooks #truecooks #topchef #instagramfood #chefstalk #eeeeeats #pleasegodkillme
*the author has, at times, been guilty of all of these — sometimes in the same day.