READ THIS NOW: Vanity Fair Discovers Trump Grill Is Pretty Much a Piece of Gold-Plated đź’© !

Surprise! says no one.

December 15, 2016 â—Ź 1 min read

By god, Vanity Fair has gone and done it: if you've been under a frozen rock today, you won't have seen this magnificent anthropological excavation of Trump Grill — Grille if you're nasty — from VF's Tina Nguyen. But, because this is 2016 and this restaurant review feels spookily prescient to what we're about to face politically, you probably did see it, or at least saw the PEOTUS's inevitable immediate response. All the exhaustive political stuff aside, to those who love food, it's cringe-inducing and sad and interesting and appealing in an ingredient-car-crash kind of way and we can't stop reading it.

Below, some choice quotes for your quick perusal before you dive into this thing in all its glory.

"The allure of Trump’s restaurant, like the candidate, is that it seems like a cheap version of rich. The inconsistent menus—literally, my menu was missing dishes that I found on my dining partners’—were chock-full of steakhouse classics doused with unnecessarily high-end ingredients. The dumplings, for instance, come with soy sauce topped with truffle oil, and the crostini is served with both hummus and ricotta, two exotic ingredients that should still never be combined."

"Renowned butcher Pat LaFrieda once dared me to eat an eyeball that he himself popped out of the skull of a roasted pig. That eyeball tasted better than the Trump Grill’s (Grille’s) Gold Label Burger, a Pat LaFrieda–branded short-rib burger blend molded into a sad little meat thing, sitting in the center of a massive, rapidly staling brioche bun, hiding its shame under a slice of melted orange cheese."

"Presumably, Trump’s Great America tastes like an M.S.G.-flavored kitchen sponge lodged between two other sponges."

"And indeed, it was slop: as soon as I got home, I brushed my teeth twice and curled up in bed until the nausea passed."

Today, we salute you, Tina Nguyen. To the staff of Trump Grill(e), we are so sorry.

Images via Alamy