BREAKING: Kitchen Staff Still Alive at Mar-A-Lago

Mysteries and mayhem abound at The Winter White House.

June 14, 2017 ● 4 min read


By Richie Nakano | Original Image via Getty



We have received a new installment of the Mar-A-Lago kitchen logs, faxed to us from a pawn shop in Palm Beach. After miraculously securing a fax machine from a generous great-aunt of someone on our staff, we have reprinted them faithfully here, with best wishes to the cooks who soldier bravely on. 

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Notice: All staff: The Mar A Lago charity 5k fun run has been canceled, but will be replaced with a Kid Rock concert.  

Day 125:
The walk-in died today. Or maybe it was yesterday. I cant remember. It’s Thursday and today is the longest distance from the last time POTUS was here. We had a nice week; instead of the incessant weekend grind of trimming beef tenderloins and making giant batches of mashed potatoes we cooked other stuff. A quiche. I think we made a spinach salad at one point? 

Currently, our garbage bins are overflowing with potato peels and beef trim. Cesar called out sick through the weekend but said “Ill probably be fine to work again on Monday.” 

Day 130:
After the weekend grind I brought in some vegetables, fish and chicken to mix it up this week. Kellyanne fucking Conway showed up and asked me if I was “expecting the Obamas for dinner.” She shouted at me for a good 90 minutes and theres something about the way her face moves when angry that has given some members of the staff nightmares in the past. I retreated to the office to hide for a bit, during which she told my cooks to join her for “ingredient reeducation.” 

Oh, and the health inspector showed up. Didn’t go great. 

Day 131:
Multiple cooks reported seeing Cheryl's ghost hovering above the sinkhole. I just brushed it off until i saw her for myself on the way to my car. she seems pretty good, otherwise.

Day 133:
NOTE TO ALL MALE STAFF: VPOTUS IS NEVER TO BE LEFT ALONE IN A ROOM WITH A WOMAN, IT MAKES HIM VERY UNCOMFORTABLE. IF WE CANNOT KEEP THIS FROM HAPPENING I WILL ASSIGN ONE OF YOU TO FOLLOW HIM AROUND TO MAKE SURE THIS DOESNT HAPPEN. YOU DO NOT WANT THIS ASSIGNMENT, HE WILL ASSIGN YOU BIBLE STUDY HOMEWORK AND QUIZ YOU DAILY ON VARIOUS HISTORY CHANNEL SHOWS. 

Day 134:
Weird day today. I thought I was alone in dry storage when suddenly a chill came over me.

It was a bitter, sudden cold that reached deep into my bones. It was as if all of my fears and worries came together and washed over me with crushing despair. I turned around and Steve Bannon was standing there. I asked him how long he had been standing there but he didn't answer. Instead he just handed me a piece of paper that had “need 1 pail pigs blood by tonight” scrawled on it. When I looked up from reading it he was gone, but the room was filled with a stench filled fog.  

Also—we are low on peppercorns. 

Day 136:
Stephen Miller is following me around the grounds. I cant prove it, but I swear, every time I look up he’s standing there, looking at me. He’s like Gargamel only younger and more evil. Made a request to replace the Coca Cola with Pepsi—WHO DOES THAT.  

Rosie said he just lurks in the salad station all day, occasionally snacking on a crouton. She’s getting really frustrated because apparently his hands are always covered in a strange smelling gray ash that gets everywhere? Gonna move her to potato station next week. 

Day 137:
AM: Would like to officially note that making us hang a picture of the electoral college victory in the place where our white board was really makes ordering, prep, and general communication difficult. AM sous (Ethan) hung up a banquet menu there today on accident, but was shot with non-lethal bullets by POTUS’s private security detail for doing so. They say he’ll be back in 10 days, im looking for someone to covfefe. i mean cover. 

(Richard Jefferson was hanging around outside the grounds so I punched him. This has nothing to do with kitchen comm, I just wanted to share.) 

PM: We were asked to make some Russian food but no one will tell us why. I don't know anything about Russian food, I can barely cobble together Russian dressing. I made cabbage rolls, borscht, pelmini, and beef stroganoff—it took all day. Kellyanne came in to check on our progress and made us throw everything away and just “focus on the stroganoff”. We did, but when she checked it she started laugh-crying and asked me “is this a joke.” We all picked out the mushroom and vegetables by hand.  

Cesar put in his notice today.

Day 138:
Jeff Sessions was here today. He got the airline chicken with steamed veg and rice pilaf and i have the ticket to prove it but when the runner went to drop the food, Sessions said he couldn't “be sure he even ordered.” The runner got stuck there for almost two hours trying to figure out what the AG wanted to eat, but he just sat there and smiled. At one point he said the runner was making him “nervous.” ??? so. Also joined by Miller and Bannon, as noted by the gray ash and heavy, smelly fog left around the table (see above).  

-We are low on iced tea, ordering for FOH on monday. 

Day 139:
The Trump brothers are here today doing a fundraiser. They went alligator hunting today which I'm pretty sure is illegal, but I mean, who's gonna stop them. They brought in a truckload of gators to the kitchen and threw them in our butchery room, but when I asked them if they wanted me to cook them, they got really mad and told me I was “upsetting Barron.”

Barron isn't even here, what the hell.  

-Need to order a new walk-in shelf for the bordelaise sauce, will coordinate with FOH. Had to cancel the brunch buffet this morning because ICE agents detained our delivery drivers one by one as they tried to drop off orders today. One agent just stood there and broke a whole case of eggs, one by one.  

We missed food cost for the third straight month. might be because we have to order from Trump Steaks, who keep raising their cost but deliver empty boxes.  





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