7 New Chef Shows The World Desperately Needs
No ifs, ands, or BAMS.
July 14, 2017 ● 3 min read
By Richie Nakano | Image iStock
Yeah, you've seen Chef's Table.
You have a handle on Hell's Kitchen, a familiarity with the Food Network. The television landscape is littered with tried-and-true (and mostly awful) "chef-driven" shows. There’s the "classy chef drives up the coast to do wine tasting and learn about goat cheese production" show. There's the "less classy chef drives down the coast to drink a fifth of Fireball and eat a goat" show. And there's even the "chefs drive across the desert to eat tequila-soaked goat out of a burning oil drum while fighting a bear with a crocodile duct-taped to its back" show. Know what all those shows are missing? A dose of gritty realism!
A few suggestions.
Chefs Building Something And Bickering With Each Other
There are so many shows on Discovery Channel where a bunch of macho dudes build stuff and fight with each other and say stuff to the camera like, “If this client wants a 1200 horsepower burrito shaped food truck, then things are about to get SPICY.” It’s not immediately evident, but this is the perfect format for a chef show. Have you seen two chefs assemble a metro shelf before? Where they get the thing put together and realize that they assembled it upside-down? Like, that, but with blowtorches and stuff.
Zany Buddy Cop Drama Where Two Chefs Try to Figure Out Who Spilled These Oats In the Dry Storage
Chef 1: Whatta we got?
Chef 2: Oats. They're everywhere. Looks like someone, maybe an AM prep cook came in, took some oats, then the bag spilled over.
Chef 1: *Picks up a banana peel* What about this?
Chef 2: I dunno boss. Produce storage is down the hall. I also dusted for residue in here and there's a thin layer of chia seed dust.
Chef 1: Looks like a standard case of front of house taking oats to soak overnight…so our perp is fit, probably toting a yoga mat, possibly a man bun.
Chef 2: Who would do such a thing?
Chef 1: I dunno Ace…but after we track them down, they’ll be eating oats IN THE UNEMPLOYMENT LINE. *lights cigarette
Chef 2: You can't smoke in here, chef.
So You Think You Can Drink
You know how on that show So You Think You Can Dance all the judges seem like they're a drink away from liver failure? Well imagine that same premise, only instead of dancing, it's a bunch of celebrities trying to survive a night out at a bar with a bunch of chefs. The early parts of the season will be easy enough…polite champagne toasts and an occasional shot of fernet. As the competition wears on though, our contestants will face trips to bars at 3 am for bourbon, lunches for two where five bottles of wine are consumed, and for the season finale, they'll have to survive a food and wine festival after-after party in a dingy Miami motel room. Scott Vivian and Ryan Lachaine will judge.
Two restaurateurs are taking the next step and fulfilling their dreams of opening their first brick and mortar. Join us as we take them on a tour of some of the best matches for them in their market, and watch as their dreams are crushed by greedy landlords, unsustainable lease terms, and gorgeous buildings that are so neglected inside that they will require $1.2 million to renovate!
Man vs. Wild, Only Starring A Chef
Foraging is cute and all, but what we all really want to see is Naked and Afraid, starring all of last year's Food & Wine Best New Chefs. Imagine if, in order to get Relais & Chateau status, you had to survive for two weeks in the Amazon. Picture someone on the edge of starvation, slowly stalking a wild boar in a loincloth fashioned from leaves and vines—only that person is Thomas Keller.
Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern
Law & Order: Bailing Out The AM Sous Chef Unit
Act 1: THE CRIME. The sous chef stumbles out of a bar, throws a handful of jawbreakers at a cop car, then climbs a tree and proceeds to finish a monster energy drink and half an eight ball. The police shoot him out of the tree with bean bags then tase him into submission.
Act 2: INVESTIGATION. Yeah, the sous chef was out last night, but he's innocent! Things got out of hand, but I did not see him buy those drugs OR those jawbreakers. He was set up! Anyway, he can probably use a break from work, he's been putting in hours like CRAZY.
Act 3: COURT. The defense claims that the sous chef was setup by the witness co-worker because the witness was mad that the sous chef was taking away the witness's hours. The judge does not buy this defense and puts the sous chef on eight weeks house arrest.