The 10 Iced Coffee Commandments
(As based on the Ten Crack Commandments by Notorious B.I.G.)
July 21, 2020 ● 2 min read
By Richie Nakano | Image Sara Showalter via iStock, Collage ChefsFeed
I don’t love coffee: I need it.
I crave it, value it. In the morning I get out of bed for my children—what gives me the strength to proceed beyond the first ten minutes out of said bed, is coffee. It improves my quality of life, and without it, I am a lesser man. If this sounds like wedding vows, it’s because coffee is my life partner, my soul mate. I am nothing without coffee.
So the day I found myself unable to face my usual cup while walking the sweltering streets of NYC, my only true option being iced coffee, that vague watery cousin of my soul mate? A true test. How would I face this new and strange period of the best relationship in my life?
My companion, a Hell’s Kitchen resident and professional seasonal drinker of iced coffee, broke me down on the rules:
1. Never let no one know—how much sugar and dairy you hold. Because it’s a lot. Simple syrup is basically sugar that’s high on sugar.
2. Never let em know your next move. You’re definitely gonna drink at least three more of these bad boys.
3. Never trust nobody. These hipster-ass, Pendleton-sweater-wearing clowns try to tell you how their cold brew is superior because they use cold brew ice cubes and filter through virgin Madagascar silk. All I need to know: Will this shit give me the courage to look at Twitter this morning? Yes? THEN FORK IT OVER NERD.
4. Never get high, on your own supply. If you work at a coffee shop, maybe switch to mate or something. Your heart is begging you.
5. Never sell no crack where you rest at. If you bring iced coffee home and offer it to your roommates, then ask for compensation, you are an asshole. Iced coffee is to be gifted only.
6. That God damn credit, dead it. (Sometimes Biggie lyrics don't translate, idk.)
7. Keep your family and business completely separate. If you bring iced coffee home to your parents, they will not understand your life choices. Your parents do not understand iced coffee. They see it as a criminal enterprise. To them, coffee should be screaming hot, bitter as hell, and mildly oxidized. Iced coffee is not for them.
8. Never keep no weight on you. Don't try to be hero and bring a bunch of iced coffees to your friends or coworkers. It'll never make the journey, and you'll wind up delivering a bunch of sweaty plastic cups full of beige water, and everyone will be mad at you.
9. If you ain’t gettin bags stay the fuck from police. Get extra granulated sugar packets. By the time your iced coffee gets down to the last third it's mostly caffeinated iced water—add a packet of sugar to this and pound those last bites down.
10. A strong word called consignment, if you ain’t got the clientele say hell no. NEVER front for your friends that ask you to deliver them an iced coffee. They will not pay you back. Entire cities could be financed for years on the backs of lost iced coffee IOUs.