Ranking The Top Ten Popsicles Of All Time
May the most honorable popsicle win.
September 12, 2017 ● 2 min read
By Richie Nakano | Collage ChefsFeed
The summers of my life have been all over the map.
Some were triumphant — long days spent getting skateboarding, flirting with girls, and staying out late — and others tragic, like the time a Boy Scout hike went terribly wrong (hypothermia) at a place called “Lost Lake.” True story.
Through it all, the one constant was a flimsy box of frozen treats in the freezer, eaten lazily in between bike rides and water balloon fights. Of course, all popsicles are not all created equal. Some deserve marquee front-of-freezer placement, and some deserve to wither and die in the tundra.
Let's rank them.
10) The Weird Creamy Ones Made of Low-Fat Yogurt
Thanks to some article about childhood obesity, or a sale on garbage at Costco, these awful low-fat yogurt popsicles would appear in your freezer, taunting you on a hot day. Oddly grainy and icy and sour, they leave you feeling hotter and stickier than when you started.
9) The Ones Where Mom Just Froze Juice in Ice Cube Trays
Your mom read something about how easy it was to make your own popsicles, but she didn't want to shell out for one of those plastic molds. Instead, she froze cranberry juice cocktail into cubes and wedged toothpicks into their centers. The toothpick breaks and the texture is….well it's an ice cube. There were ones made with apple juice too, but the older kids ate them already.
8) The Fudge Pop Ones
Wanna ruin your shirt and get chocolate puddings thinner, stickier cousin all over your hands? Then fudge pops may be for you! There's always that one kid that ate one of these yesterday and somehow still has fudge pop all over his face.
7) The Standard Conical Popsicle
I mean, they're fine. Biting into them is the sensory equivalent of chewing a cotton ball and a stick of chalk at the same time, but they can be licked down into a prison-worthy shank, and if you’re lucky, some nice person will put a folded up paper towel on the stick so you don't drip on your swimsuit.
6) The Ones With The Fruit In Them
They’re like regular popsicles but they have like, chunks of strawberry in them. They’re good. It’s scary to think of how old this strawberry is, but they're pretty tasty and offer textural variety.
5) The Double Popsicle
The double popsicle is good because it's a fucking double popsicle. Sure it's hard to eat and prone to breaking in half or being eaten by a child that tries to break it in half, but two is always better than one.
4) Otter Pops and Their Imitators
There are no bad flavors, they all have sassy names, they're self-contained, and drinking the melty syrup out of the bottom is delightful. The only pitfall: the plastic at the top can be razor sharp and will at some point cause a grievous mouth injury. The giant versions of these that you could buy at the pool are pro-level.
3) The Firecracker Ones
It's almost too much popsicle, and if you eat too many of them you'll definitely get diabetes, but they contain multiple flavors and have that weird texture. Eating this one is a status symbol: it says. "my parents love me more than your parents love you."
2) The One That Isn't a Popsicle, But Is An It’s-It They aren't popsicles, but It’s-Its are the best. Anyone who slanders It’s-Its will be blocked and reported for abuse.
1) The Best One: The Creamsicle
It’s part popsicle, part….er…cream stuff! There is no better summer treat than the Creamsicle, and that moment its thin popsicle exterior gives way to that not-quite-ice-cream-but-still-delicious center. The only downside is the lack of variety in terms of flavor, but the orange is really all you need.