The Spookiest Food Thing That Will Happen To You This Month, According To Your Horoscope
Trick or treat doesn't even BEGIN to cover it.
October 5, 2017
By Cassandra Landry | Illustrations Courtney Moy for ChefsFeed
October is a scary, scary time.
Less due to the hordes of small children (and adults who just want to slut it up for a night, damn it!) roaming the streets high on fun-size Snickers, and more because October is the calendar’s equivalent of clicking to the top of the rollercoaster before you plunge into Q4—we see you, bizness people—and holiday madness.
Take it from the stars and plan accordingly. This month has the potential to be a hot mess, according to our not-even-close-to-being-certified house astrologer.
LIBRA | September 23 - October 22
Libra: you aim for harmony. You are a champion of work-life balance. This month, however, beware. If the stars have it right, after ordering too many bacon-wrapped dates with pre-dinner cocktails you will ambitiously order a whole grilled fish for yourself at your neighborhood’s hottest new spot. You won’t finish it (bacon dates), and it will make its way home with you where, the next morning, its cold, half-ravaged flesh will somehow look enticing enough for you to bring it to work for lunch. You will question your decision while waiting for the microwave—teetering over the abyss—act before your hard-earned harmony is shot to hell and you become an office pariah.
Scorpio | October 23 - November 21
Listen, Scorpio. You may be hot-headed enough to face down your October demons: This month, you will agree to accompany a friend from out of town to dinner, who has learned there is a flagship Cheesecake Factory in your area. You will enter the gold-shellacked palace of excess, assess the encyclopedic menu, and settle on the mini corn dogs with a strawberry daiquiri. You won’t taste the rum, but its effects will soon begin to soften your prickly mood, and you will realize that YOU ARE ENJOYING THIS. Lean into your triple-decker Oreo cheesecake and work on how to subtly suggest a return trip with your stauncher companions.
Sagittarius | November 22 - December 21
Hot tip, Sagittarius, during your adventurous travels this month, you may come very close to ordering oysters at a landlocked airport cafe. Luckily, fate will intervene and distract you when a server cruises by your table and trips over a bag, dousing you with three margaritas on the rocks and one flat Hefeweizen. Instead of a near-miss, let this be an awakening of sorts: always order chicken wings from the sketchy joints. You know better.
Capricorn | December 22 - January 19
The stars know you’re a hard worker, Capricorn. That’s why they will see it coming when you take it upon yourself to build a curry just like the one that ripped your sinuses a new one last week. Some like it hot, and you definitely do—just, uh, don’t forget to wash your hands after you mince that scotch bonnet? Looks like you’re due a persistent itch on your eyebrow on that very same night. Without a steely reserve, you could spend a few hours flushing your eye with milk. (That works, right?) Not a good look.
Aquarius | January 20 - February 18
Aquarius, we know you feel at home in a bohemian lifestyle, but your free spirit could betray you this month when a sort-of-close friend will offer you some of their kombucha SCOBY. “Take care of Mother,” they will whisper, handing you a shriveled skin and a mason jar full of a murky substance. “Her name is Lola.” You will immediately forget how you met this person as you consider the forked path ahead of you: either you make an inane apology to Lola and discreetly dispose of her, or you become a person who brews kombucha in their 500 square-foot apartment. We all know where that leads.
Pisces | February 19 - March 20
You’re wiser than you let on, Pisces, which is why the stars will assume that you were already fully aware of Mario Batali’s fiery Twitter presence (and impossibly laser-like attention and immediate response rate) when you decide to tweet a sassy barb about his break from Crocs later this month. He’ll come for you, Pisces. Maybe try a social media cleanse as a preemptive measure.
Aries | March 21 - April 19
As a passionate risk-taker, not many things rattle you, Aries. You pride yourself on your appetite, and this month offers a parade of edible high-jumps. While dining at your favorite izakaya, you will realize you are seated between a chicken sashimi advocate and a dissenter. A tie-breaking plate will be ordered, and your vote will mean consensus. You may flashback to a highlight reel of your personal chicken failures, but do not let this break your reserve. A little frisson of fear is how you'll know its worth it.
Taurus | April 20 -May 20
You were basically built for tasting menus, Taurus. Everyone else may kvetch about how they’re like, so over it, but your stamina in such settings is unmatched. You love their beauty, their caliber. However, this month, due to a misunderstanding while ordering, you will unknowingly enlist for an experimental 25-course menu composed of intricate service flourishes and a footman who never leaves your table. He is not allowed to speak, simply to anticipate your every move and watch you chew. You also know the chef, who will gleefully crush you with gifts in between courses. If you survive it, the rewards are unknown; if you choose to ignore your competitive nature and make a run for it, you will always wonder.
Gemini | May 21 - June 20
You’re a notably restless soul, Gemini, easily bored and happy to adapt to a changing environment. This month, your instincts will lead you to a sushi boat place that a group of strangers on the internet said was “fun.” This is no shallow moat ferrying little dishes of rice and fish, Gemini: this is roulette of the stomach. Bet wisely, or your chosen sushi boat may capsize your gut.
Cancer | June 21 - July 22
Your friends refer to you as the best entertainer they know, Cancer. Your dinner parties are legendary. Never have the words, “Are there napkins anywhere?” fallen from the lips of one of your guests. This month, a hectic schedule and the serendipitous appearance of a Blue Apron coupon in the mail will heighten the chances that you craft your spread out of a week’s worth of pre-portioned meal kits. When your guests compliment your ingenuity and unexpected combinations, you will bear witness to a strange wrestling match betwixt your pride and the truth you always wear on your sleeve.
Leo | July 23 - August 22
You like to talk a big game, Leo, and the spotlight is where you feel most at home, but if you feel a sudden urge to challenge the Benihana chef this month, for the love of the Onion Volcano, tamp it down. But the flames don’t scare me, you might say. While your judgment is typically rock solid, this month might mess with your track record. You don’t want to be a Benihana meme, Leo. You don’t. Stick with takeout or non-participatory dining experiences until the threat passes.
Virgo | August 23 - September 22
Virgo, you tend to play your cards close to your chest. You have high expectations, and this has served you well in your navigation of the food world; your quest for perfection is often so demanding that you become ever-more critical of every shoddy plate you encounter. One day this month, you will be scrolling through your social media platform of choice and come across a Buzzfeed Tasty video—and the stars are unclear here, but consider the terms “waffle iron chili cheese fries” “nutella” and “pizza monkey bread” your red flags—that seems too good to be true. It is in your nature to attempt it, to perfect it. This road will only lead to disaster.