Your Shot-In-The-Dark-But-Still-Heartfelt November Horoscope!
It's like a busted game of telephone between us and the zodiac.
November 10, 2017
By Cassandra Landry | Illustrations by Courtney Moy
Oh hello, month that fills us with aggressive self-doubt regarding our ability to cook a turkey!
November, you sly dog. Where'd you come from? We know we say this every year, but your arrival is always a sign that we've begun to backslide into the holidays, and—surprise—we're not at all prepared like we swore we would be last time around. We're pumped, but also, we're clenching our teeth more? Is that your fault?
Not sure if anyone would really refute this, but November is THE month for food fanatics. Yes, October draws out all those adult people who love snarfing candy like small hopped-up children, and July and August feel like the inside of an edible kaleidoscope, but in November, food is our shared catalyst for self-reflection and gratitude. Even if your blood relatives are evil, there's Friendsgiving, where you can gather with your chosen family. You know November is a true food month, because the food doesn't even have to be good to be meaningful—a good reminder of why we dig this industry in the first place. (The love, you guys. It's the love.)
Let's happy-cry into our Starbucks holiday cup, and see what the stars have to say.
Scorpio | October 23 - November 21
Guess what, Scorpio? Your intelligent ass went and bought a ricer after last Thanksgiving's mashed potatoes fiasco, so you are sittin' pretty this month. Your potatoes will be fluffy as hell, which grants you good fortune for the next seven years—which comes out to about three years after we account for the curse you placed on yourself with 2016's hot mashed mess. This month, you'll find yourself grateful for the humble barkeep who conjures your favorite cocktail into being, and the sheer, occasional beauty of what humans can invent.
Sagittarius | November 22 - December 21
This month, Sag, a well-timed invite from a new friend will lead to a shake-up in your routine, and you'll find yourself around a table with an entirely new set of people with stories you haven't heard a fafillion times over. After sweating what to bring before this panel of hungry strangers—do you go flashy or endearing or pre-packaged??—your eventual risk will pay off.
Capricorn | December 22 - January 19
This year, Capricorn, you'll spatchcock your turkey for the first time. Go you! While getting intimately acquainted with the inner anatomy of this bird that's given its life for a tradition even you find a little dubious, you will feel a wave of gratitude for all those people who try to make our food chain less evil, through humane farming and respectful cooking. It's the best kind of existential epiphany to have with your hand inside of a turkey. Right?
Aquarius | January 20 - February 18
There's nothing more deserving of your gratitude this month than the cheese plate, Aquarius. (And maybe your family and friends and stuff, bear with us.) That humble slate slab decked out with fancy-pants cheese slices and almonds dusted with spicy stuff (?) and honeycomb melting faster than you can chew through its wax, is always there for you when you can’t quite afford to splurge on a whole meal. Cheese plates let you ball on a budget, and they never judge you. Did you select triple-crème brie twice? You are so sophisticated! it says. Have another rock hard crostini. You deserve love!
Pisces | February 19 - March 20
Know what you're grateful for, Pisces? Grilled cheese and tomato soup when you literally just can't. Seriously, who was the first person who realized that the cure for dealing with being a human on a daily basis was two golden-brown slices of bread (with greasy, crunchy, perfect edges that give just enough) hugging gooey cheese? And that, when dunked into a scalding bowl of smashed tomatoes, it becomes a spoon you can eat?? WHAT IS THIS BEAUTIFUL WORLD?
Aries | March 21 - April 19
Let's be honest, Aries, Trader Joe's got you through this year. You know it, we know it, your friends who come over and are like, "Why does everything in your pantry have a different cultural play on the name Joe on it" know it. You learned a long time ago that for your purposes, $4 wine is more than satisfactory. Even though you've had a few near panic attacks while waiting in a line that stretched into the parking lot and through the dry cleaners next door, the inner happiness that novelty popcorn flavors bring you is worth it. You'll celebrate your deep and abiding love by purchasing your Thanksgiving stuff here, of course—including that Brussels sprouts stalk and the cinnamon broom that serves no purpose.
Taurus | April 20 - May 20
Someone had to say it, Taurus: you're grateful for avocados. Damn, you think, searching your soul, I should probably be grateful for like, my health or something. Maybe being grateful for avocados is basic, but this month, when you crack one open and are greeted with a speckled, mushy flesh, you'll flash back to all the beautiful avos you beheld this year. Remember that one that fit snug in your palm and made you audibly gasp when it revealed its bright green insides? And the pit just popped out and you didn't have to almost stab your hand to get it? You sent a photo of that avocado to seven people, Taurus, without even knowing why you did it—but they all agreed it was the best thing they had ever seen. Here's to more of those moments in 2018.
Gemini | May 21 - June 20
You're a creature of habit, Gemini, which is why you're eternally grateful to every delivery person and hostess on your usual take-out route for always being happy to see you, even at your shabbiest. They don't know it, but you count them as part of your family—for though you prefer to decompress alone, over food cooked by people who are not you, they remind you that you are a person walking around in the world. Little interactions like those keep your head from caving in, plus they always end in chicken tikka masala or an assorted nigiri platter or shrimp fried rice. If only going to the DMV or the post office could end that way.
Cancer | June 21 - July 22
This month, you're grateful for that person in your life who refuses to bail over a text message (unlike, ahem, everyone else), the one who drags everyone out to celebrate birthdays, and reminds you when you're being an asshole that bowling is fun and seeing people you have designated as "friends" is good for you. They excel behind-the-scenes, at making reservations, and always remember everyone's weird dietary preferences. Many of us are slugs at heart, and this rare freakish hummingbird friend may exhaust you sometimes, but they are the glue holding your life together. If you don't have a person like this, go find one.
Leo | July 23 - August 22
Whatever demigod engineered the meltability of Velveeta will win your gratitude this month, Leo, when you find peace over queso in the eye of the whirling hurricane that is your local Tex-Mex spot. How is it still good, even when it's cold? How does it perch just so on the chip, quivering but never cascading down your shirt? You don't know, but it makes you believe in magic, which keeps you young.
Virgo | August 23 - September 22
Life moves pretty fast, Virgo. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could definitely fall into a fugue state and clip the hell out of your knuckles while microplaning. What is it about zesting that makes your eyes blur and your grip falter? It's worse than a paper cut, and you always feel compelled to stop and search the immediate area for shreds of your precious fingers. Due to the seasonal planetary vibrations (?) this month, we hear you'll manage to walk away unscathed from every single encounter with a microplane. Seriously. Go nuts, and when it comes time to give thanks, remember those flawless, vulnerable knuckles of yours. Be grateful for this fleeting victory.
Libra | September 23 - October 22
Harmony's your bag, Libra, which is why your gratitude this month will emerge after the family dinner is all said and done; when you are deep in a conversation about what exactly you're planning on doing with your life with [insert family member here.] While fielding queries about whether you're getting married this year or having children or getting a promotion, you will remember that coffee and bourbon are a flawless combination. They complement one another so well it warms your chilled soul and gives you the strength to grin and wax poetic about your wildly successful future. For that, you are grateful. Very, very grateful.