Why You Should Definitely Help Me Win All The Awards This Year

Are they made up? Yes. Do I want them more than I've ever wanted anything? Yes.

November 30, 2017 ● 2 min read

By A White Male Chef With Unquenchable Thirst | Image Frank Ramspott via iStock

2017 has been a difficult year. Frustration divides our country as never before.

So I ask you all to come together behind something great. Something unifying. Something that we can all agree on.  


You see, it's time for the end of the year wrap-ups at all of the big food media outlets, and once again, I’m up for a bunch of awards. I know, you’re thinking “but you ALWAYS get nominated for these awards!” And how! In years past I have stood as a beacon of humility, only asking for your votes once or twice on Facebook. But this year is different. I am the best "dreamer in zipcodes ending in 07." Now that I think of it, I should also be up for "best chef that owns a 44-seat restaurant AND a fast-casual eatery who's been in the industry for more than 8 years, but less than 15," too. I'm sure that was an oversight. 

Listen, my influence on the food world cannot be understated, and I just want you to see the greatness in me the same way that I do. I mean, this year alone I managed to keep my restaurants glowing in the spotlight while traveling far and wide to Aspen, Miami, and New York to remind the rest of the country that I am very, very important. I won Best New Restaurant for a restaurant that doesn't even exist. That's influence. My Instagram following swelled with new users as I took them inside my kitchens on the one day a week that I set aside for them. 

Is the competition fierce among those nominated to win "best restaurant with projected 2020 opening date"? Of course! Am I confident? Always. I was born for that award. 

Perhaps you’re thinking, “but aren’t these awards just a vanity-filled thirst trap designed to ensnare fame-hungry chefs? Isn’t it embarrassing to grovel for votes online?” Well, the answer is NO! First of all, if I didn’t think that I was considerably more talented than these other losers in this very arbitrary, very subjective contest, then I would never ask for your votes. And yes, there was that scandal a few years back with the coder we hired to hack the vote for us BUT THIS YEAR IS DIFFERENT. There is nothing wrong with puffing your chest out a bit, while loudly assuming yourself to be better than everyone else. #blessed  

So, in summary, I present this quote from the late Jacques Pepin.*  

“If you are better than the competition, you have a duty to announce that to the world. Humility be damned—trophies are pretty great.”    

[ed note: *Jacques Pepin is alive and never said this.] 

Go get 'em tigers—you're all winners in our book.