DEC HOROSCOPE: Baby, It's Cold Outside and I Need A Week Where I Just Wear Sweatpants
Is there an astrological cause for the way your eye twitches during the last month of the year?
December 15, 2017
By Cassandra Landry | Illustrations by Courtney Moy
Welp, how's everyone feeling?
Only halfway through the last month of this vicious year, and we've already seen a Supermoon (boundaries, moon), Mercury's back in retrograde (go home, Mercury) and a drunk dude up-and-cooked his own meal at a South Carolina Waffle House because the staff was asleep (respect?). So much to unpack. We don't know about you, but for us, December is a strange emotional cocktail: one-part exhaustion to two-parts party face to one-part being more broke than all the months combined, topped off with a twist of giddy joy.
Know what awaits all of us, for at least one night this month? The best sleep of your life. Whether you're blessed with legit time off or have one free day in between weeks of holiday shifts, we're all looking forward to some lines-on-your-face, dead-to-the-world slumber. Here's what the stars have to say about your well-earned December downtime—and the snack attacks that come with.
Sagittarius | November 22 - December 21
Happy birthday, Sag! As you charge up to take on the new year in style, consider the fresh box of Cheez-Its residing on the top shelf of your parents' pantry. Break the seal on those perfectly salted puppies, and pair them with everything from classy cocktails to that weird movie that's playing on the TV in the background. They suit every mood and every lifestyle—on an ambitious hike, or slumped to a horizontal mass on the couch—which is a nice nod to the go-with-the-flow flexibility you'll experience as a result of the moon and stuff.
Capricorn | December 22 - January 19
Know what your favorite thing at Trader Joe's is, Cap? That bag of baby stroopwafels, code name Caramel Bites. This month portends at least three trips to the snack mecca that you won't explicitly plan for, which means plenty of opportunities to restock after you "accidentally" decimate the whole bag over the course of one day. They're so cute and small! Your insatiable taste for the best of chewy caramel with the warmth of a prime waffle cone will kick off on your flight home when a weary flight attendant passes them out instead of pretzel rings. You'll hesitate: this can't be for you, can it? Surely something so delicious is reserved for first class! But it is, Cap. It is.
Aquarius | January 20 - February 18
You might look like an adult human, Aquarius, but in another life, you were definitely a cartoon mouse or a random European. Cheese is the siren song on your holiday playlist, and you're cool playing it on repeat until 2018. Does the cheese block in the fridge have teeth marks? Find the Aquarius in the room. Brie finding it's way into every appetizer spread—be it baked or fresh? Uh, yes. Cheese will be the balm over this crazy year for you, so apply and repeat as needed. Thoughtfully snacking on dainty shaves of Pecorino only makes you look calmer, anyway.
Pisces | February 19 - March 20
This month, Pisces, you'll arrive home to find your family is all on a weird-ass diet. Is it January yet? No! (We're sorry for this cosmic blight on your holiday, gentle fish.) Lucky for you, your past self must have seen this coming on a subconscious level and stashed a bag of Sriracha potato chips in your childhood bedroom. The stars advise reveling in those empty calories laced with MSG, in order to karmically right the balance in the household. Plus, you've had a long year, and you've earned it.
Aries | March 21 - April 19
There are so many epic meals this time of year. To survive, you and yours have chosen to reserve your cooking energy for The Big Show, and let the myriad take-out places on your speed-dial do the heavy lifting in the meantime. Know what that means, Aries? Fridge pizza. Lots of it. What is it about cool, inflexible pizza dough crowned with congealed cheese and limp toppings that puts stars in your eyes? You don't know, but it's a love so deeply ingrained there's no reason to fight it. Breakfast? Fridge pizza. Want to warm it up for lunch? Nope.
Taurus | April 20 - May 20
The holiday season is your jam, Taurus, mostly because your sweet tooth is allowed to run rampant without fear of judgment. What's number one on your hit list? Cinnamon rolls. At some point this month, reserve some time for yourself and procure whatever rung of cinnamon roll your heart desires. Will it be the heady scent of Cinnabon from your hometown mall, intermingled with chemicals from the nail salon next door that does it for you? A fancy-ass pouf from a new bakery (whose price makes you hesitate for a fraction of a second)? Wherever you find it, enjoyment of this cinnamon roll definitely counts as part of your "mindfulness journey" you told everyone you were taking in 2018, so good job, you!
Gemini | May 21 - June 20
Holy Salt and Vinegar Kettle Chips, Gemini, you are straight crawling to the finish line this month, with mere fumes of energy left to take on the combined hit of both your work and social calendars. Turn to the snack that has always been there for you. Two is better than one, as you know, which is why a normal "sea salt" chip just seems lazy: without the sucker punch of sour on its heels, salt is nothing. Do these chips give you a jolt of tingly mouth-sweats and mercilessly slice the sides of your cheeks every time? Yes. Live dangerously.
Cancer | June 21 - July 22
Man, rice cakes would really hit the spot right about now, eh, Cancer? JKJK omg. True to form, your relaxation this month will feature bowls of cereal at all hours of the day, stretching the very meaning of the word "breakfast" or "morning" or "meal-time." You're basically a Time Lord, is what we're saying. A freethinker of the lounging set. During your normal life, you shield your cereal-milk drinking self from the world; free your inhibitions and all kinds of realizations will follow.
Leo | July 23 - August 22
You've got a wild streak, Leo, so the candy bowl's where you park it this month. Dubious off-brand M&Ms on grandma's coffee table? Sure. Box of sour watermelons at an early Star Wars matinee (that you'll decide to attend on your first outing into the world, after emerging from your dark cave of sleep)? Bring on the sugar high. Your moods may become tumultuous as a result of this high-octane snackage, but everyone will probably forgive you.
Virgo | August 23 - September 22
The recent public embrace of various nut butters is a boon for you, Virgo: it means you should feel free to slather up every slice of bread, fruit, and smoothie that comes your way with a healthy dollop of Nutella. It also goes famously with oatmeal, if you're really trying to get a jump on that whole cleanse thing, but the cosmos recommend "acquiescing to the flow of the calendar year," and just indulging straight from the spoon.
Libra | September 23 - October 22
Libra, your favorite holiday tradition is the strange conglomeration of 'got them from work' cookies that build up on your parents' counter. Three smooshed and off-color variations of the cute pistachio thumbprints that appeared in a mainstream cooking mag? Check. Rock-hard chocolate chip flats with raisins? Hand-cut fudge with fingerprints intact? Check, check. Let the yearly parade of homespun gifts and amateur candies remind you of our sameness. Under all the questionable online opinions and awkward real-life conversations, we all encounter this particular cookie hoard.
Scorpio | October 23 - November 21
Wine counts as a snack, right Scorpio? You better believe it does. Happy 2017, everyone.