JAN. HOROSCOPE: What Wellness Means To You, According to Your Sign
'You do you.'—The Planets
January 16, 2018 ● 7 min read
By Cassandra Landry | Illustrations by Courtney Moy
For some, wellness means eating nothing but very cute radishes.
For others, it means making sure you have a load of butter and salt on hand when you eat said radishes. And maybe a glass of wine. And maybe, you know, you chase it with a steak or something.
What is wellness anyway? As far as we can tell, it has a lot to do with taking baths and making Time for You. If you're anything like us, there's bound to be a little snack attack in there somewhere. Just like you, dear reader, the stars contain multitudes: let's see what they have to say about your #selfcare in this here New Year.
Capricorn | December 22 - January 19
Technically, you are half fish, Cap—which means your traditional treat-yourself habit of zoning out in a shower of scalding water shouldn't come as a surprise. Using some very clever word association here (shower : waterfalls : islands) it seems that the best wellness bang for your buck this month would be to head to the nearest tiki bar.
Get yourself a drink that tastes like it has absolutely no alcohol in it from somewhere like Lost Lake in Chicago or Hale Pele in Portland or Smuggler's Cove in San Francisco, adorned with custom garnishes so charming you kind of want to slip them into your pockets. Dig into a craving for retro-camp with luau fare or crab rangoon or Hawaiian rolls dredged in butter.
Unless you can actually afford to jet off to a real waterfall, and pay a random passerby to take a picture of you floating blissfully on your back. In which case, what the hell are you still doing here?
Aquarius | January 20 - February 18
Usually, when you're bone-tired after a long shift, that one really good busker in the subway tunnels soothes your simmering rage, Aquarius. Listening to some old guy with bushy ear hair get all Amélie up in your commute with his accordion is your wave machine, which is why this month your wellness prescription is an old-school French meal, all to yourself.
Do you want a glass of Champagne that costs as much as an entree? Yep. Do you want a filet of sole drowning in sickeningly perfect beurre blanc? Yes. Will you finish with époisses toast?? OUI, AS THEY SAY. Keep calm and cornichon on.
Pisces | February 19 - March 20
You know you shouldn't, but nothing scratches that feel-good itch like shopping for you, Pisces. It's not so much that you love things, but rather the motivational vision those things support. You know it's all chemical synapses that make an old-timey cash register sound when they go off, but if there's even a whiff of a deal, you're there.
You know what else is a deal (but also has the potential to spin out into crazy excess)? Yakitori! It feels like splurging and gives you all the thrills you associate with a great spree. Get you a bunch of tiny skewers with assorted grilled bits and you're the ruler of the wellness universe.
Aries | March 21 - April 19
You read something once about the Japanese practice of "forest bathing," Aries, and walking through the forest taking it all in sounded pretty rad. So, you're trying it. It's going great so far—very soothing and it all smells very nice—except for when you hear something rustling and are immediately convinced it's a bear, even though bears don't happen to frequent this uh, neck of the woods. If you will.
Here's something you may have noticed in your forest bath: trees are made of wood, which is a crucial ingredient in a little something we like to call barbecue. Pay homage to their sacrifice through smoky, succulent brisket when you return from the trails and you may find your soul and stomach in total sync.
Taurus | April 20 - May 20
You've got a whole new gym routine, Taurus, and a feeling like it'll stick this time around. Work hard, get the rewards, that's what you believe. Work hard, play hard.
So here's what to do: Find one of those places with the custom juice cleanses, and smoothies that are meant to taste like something you usually prefer in sandwich form. Keep walking until you come across a biergarten instead, where you can eat pillowy hot pretzels that leave slicks of butter all over your fingers. Be sure to eat 'em with the mustard that snakes through your sinuses with every bite, and slaps your brain (once, really hard, like in the movies) before receding.
Gemini | May 21 - June 20
Meditation has long been a mountain you've been aching to climb, Gemini, and this is your year. Deep breathing, disconnecting your frantic thoughts from your monkey brain—this all sounds like something a grown-ass person does with tremendous dedication.
To bring this stillness into your gastronomic realm, mindfully stare at a clementine for five whole minutes. Consider its color, its vibe. Then, thoughtfully free it from its pithy sheath, and savor each segment one by one. If you're doing it correctly, this should take approximately 30 minutes.
Then, turn to the burger that has been patiently waiting off to the side during this whole slothlike exercise, and destroy it in a matter of seconds. You will feel like a triumphant python, which will bring you great joy.
Cancer | June 21 - July 22
Your inner self is a baller, Cancer, so your go-to indulgence doesn't beat around the bush: spa day with all the trappings. You live to be swaddled in a fluffy robe made for a giant. You aren't one of those people who gets hung up on the "Flutes in Nature" playlist soundtracking your massage. You are willingly duped into paying more for something that includes "lavender essence."
And because a crucial part of the spa experience is the ol' hot tub-sauna one-two punch, you may as well have been put on this earth to crush hot pot. Preferably with Budweiser 40s and broth whose surface is crowded with blistered chiles. Never fear sweat on the long road to wellness.
Leo | July 23 - August 22
This year, you swore to wake up early for once, fiery Leo. Morning people seem so productive, and pre-dawn yoga is a very easy thing to brag about. Plus, their late afternoons are wide open—which everyone knows is the best time to be finished with work and roaming around. Happy hours make you happy. Sunsets are awesome.
Here's what you do: become a baker! Those cats crank in the dark, like Keebler Elves who mainline coffee and are snarky until the sun comes up. Baking also is lovely and you can make things like croissants that make people happy. Plus, you can, we'd imagine, taste as many croissants as you'd like for "quality control." If you don't want to become a baker, you should probably still do that last part.
Virgo | August 23 - September 22
After tumbling down a very pastel Instagram rabbit hole filled with claims about the healing power of crystals, you may have bought a few, Virgo. You can't really remember their names, but you do sort of feel like you have it together whenever you gaze upon them. (You read something about bathing them in the moonlight? You're positive you're doing that part wrong by uh, not doing it, so whoops.)
In the spirit of clarity and mystical self-improvement, the solar system suggests taking yourself out to pho. Literally everyone understands themselves better post-pho.
Libra | September 23 - October 22
What can you say, Libra? You ascribe to old-school wellness: therapy, baby. You've been going to the same fuzz-voiced therapist/very patient friend for years now, and the long uninterrupted streams of chatter always straighten you out when your brain decides to be a dick. You dig that pure human connection, despite its many blemishes.
Because it feels creepy to try and have meaningful eye contact with people on the street, why not go have dinner at a chef's counter somewhere where you can gaze deeply into the eyes of whoever is lucky enough to prepare your plate? They'll love it!
For you, Scorpio, nothing says Zen quite like driving down an empty road with the heat cranked and the windows down. If there's something good blasting from the speakers, all the better—the kick of cold air combined with toasty hands and feet clears your head right out.
Sounds like a cold beer and a slice of hot pizza to us, friend. No gas money required.
Know what rules as self-care? Straight-up napping. It cures all that ails you, Sag, and you've honed your art over the years: you can do it standing in line, on the bus, right before dinner (ill-advised, in case you slip over the edge and wake up like 30 hours later, but worth the risk).
Since a nap is basically a little treat in the middle of your day, consider the Leisure Lunch: every so often, punctuate your day with a lazy, indulgent mid-day graze. Have a glass of wine, people watch, stare into the middle distance as people sprint on the way to wherever they're going. 'Time is the ultimate luxury,' read a retirement-themed greeting card we saw once. It applies here.