5 Conspiracy Theories We Just Came Up With To Optimistically Explain Gabrielle Hamilton's Spotted Pig Announcement
Damn, maybe pigs do fly.
June 13, 2018 ● 2 min read
By Cassandra Landry and Richie Nakano
Alright, so we don't know what to do with the news that Gabrielle Hamilton and Ashley Merriman, the married co-chefs at beloved East Village mainstay Prune, have announced their intent to take over April Bloomfield's disgraced New York City restaurant The Spotted Pig—presumably in partnership with (now sole owner) Ken Friedman.
Friedman, for those of you who Rip van Winkled this part, has been accused—in horrifying detail—of sexual harassment by women who worked at the restaurants he operated with Bloomfield; her announcement of the official split from her former business partner only came last week. The internet, as predicted, has spent a few hours working itself into a nice frothy rage over this new development.
WHAT IS HAPPENING OUT THERE?
After a feverish white-board session, here are some explanations that are either a) a "reach" or b) our new reality. Happy Wednesday!
- Long ago (like, last year sometime), Hamilton and Merriman entered a blood oath with their cherished peer April Bloomfield in order to concoct the ultimate long-con of the #MeToo era: for bait, they will state their intentions to take over The Spotted Pig in an outrageously public place (say, a newspaper of record) that will immediately cause a public uproar, spilling a cocktail of fatigue, disgust, and panic into the internet's veins. Ken Friedman (now living as a gremlin in Central Park), incorrectly believing that his own redemption is near, will emerge from his pit and accept their offer. After a year in which he is only permitted to clean 30 pounds of squid a day and tamp down compost with his bare gremlin feet, the chefs will come to him with a proposition, while Bloomfield watches through binoculars from a nearby rooftop: solve a simple riddle, and live forever in a glorious loop of his gross former life. Fail, and relinquish all ownership and shares and profits and also disappear into a puff of acrid subway grate steam. He, being a gremlin, will of course fail.
- April Bloomfield legally changed her name to Gabrielle Hamilton.
- "The Spotted Pig" is the name of an imaginary restaurant in the mind of a young farm girl living on Mars in 2153. There's still not much to do on Mars beside watching reruns of crime procedurals and Hell's Kitchen, so she has gone ahead and gotten darkly creative with her tea party set-up. We are all minor players in this depraved narrative. The correlation between The Spotted Pig and Gabrielle Ham-ilton is only clever wordplay to this young Martian; proud of her thoughtful approach to detail, the girl sleeps deeply in space. Luckily, this means nothing, and no one exists, since we have all long-perished.
- Gabrielle Hamilton is actually Chris Hansen, the host of To Catch a Predator.
- The chefs of Prune have a much larger plan that none of us simpletons can possibly foresee at this exact moment, but which will somehow, despite the present logic, develop into something not objectively terrible. Also, chemtrails.