By Richie Nakano | Beastfromeast/iStock

You ever heard of peganism? That thing where you're a vegan, except for that other thing where you eat fish? I had not. Now I have.

Given the bizarre, vacuous nature of the holiday schedule this year (New Year's Eve on a Tuesday?? In this economy?) it seems like some of our more ambitious New-Year-New-Us plans flew under my radar. So far,  most of what I’ve seen on the black hole of the internet is shit like, “This year, I'm going to actually use the app on my phone that reminds me to drink water!” or “LESS canceling plans to stay in and drink an entire bottle of wine by myself in bath, MORE bringing a book to the bar and ignoring literally everyone.” And as much as I am for self-care (or eating two pints of ice cream in one sitting because you were afraid it was going to get melty), I really do believe that this is the year we collectively take our health seriously. 

Here are some suggestions from me, your most trusted nutrition expert:

The Chronic FATigue Diet
You’re tired. I’m tired. Everyone is so tired. There is so much to do in a single day that no amount of mail order meal-kits, dog walkers, housekeepers or laundry services can fix it. This diet fits perfectly into that lifestyle! Basically, just live your life and do all of the things on your to-do list with an obsessive determination and you will be too tired to eat anything. You'll just collapse in your apartment's entryway each night, and wake up groggy, with 14 more items on your list. Glowy. 

The LEO Method
A truly common sense diet, the LEO method incorporates three food items: lemons for detoxifying and cleansing, eggs for protein and general sustenance, and oils to keep your skin...glistening (?) and aid in digestion. The key to this diet is discipline; one must stick to these three food groups, albeit in any sort of combinations with one another. A popular modifier for the LEO Method is to combine the lemon juice and egg, then slowly whisk in the oil until a fluffy emulsion forms. Eat it by the spoonful, follow with one of those mini rolling pins for your face.

VinVitality
VinVitality combines the cleansing nature of drinking vinegar with the optimistic “This will probably fix everything” nature of multi-vitamins. It’s pretty simple; drink lots of vinegar, and take a smattering of vitamins. The type of vitamin doesn’t really matter, the main thing is to completely throw your body's pH out of whack. It's like HIIT training. For your organs and stuff. 

The 30-Day Soloist
The great thing about the 30-Day Soloist is that all of the heavy lifting is done at the beginning of the diet. For the first week or so, you go around and completely alienate every single person in your life to the point that they tell you never to talk to them again, while simultaneously getting yourself banned from life from your local grocery stores/restaurants/convenience stores. The lack of human contact and total removal of access to food will have you meditatively looking inward on your daily foraging trips for dandelion greens and squirrel meat. 

Creeping Your Ex's Instagram 
Seriously though, nothing kills your appetite the way that this does.

 

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