Why You Should Definitely Help Me Win All The Awards This Year

Why You Should Definitely Help Me Win All The Awards This Year

Are they made up? Yes. Do I want them more than I've ever wanted anything? Yes.

November 30, 2017
● 2 min read
Why You Should Definitely Help Me Win All The Awards This Year

Why You Should Definitely Help Me Win All The Awards This Year

Are they made up? Yes. Do I want them more than I've ever wanted anything? Yes.

November 30, 2017
● 2 min read

By A White Male Chef With Unquenchable Thirst | Image Frank Ramspott via iStock


2017 has been a difficult year. Frustration divides our country as never before.


So I ask you all to come together behind something great. Something unifying. Something that we can all agree on.  

Me.  

You see, it's time for the end of the year wrap-ups at all of the big food media outlets, and once again, I’m up for a bunch of awards. I know, you’re thinking “but you ALWAYS get nominated for these awards!” And how! In years past I have stood as a beacon of humility, only asking for your votes once or twice on Facebook. But this year is different. I am the best "dreamer in zipcodes ending in 07." Now that I think of it, I should also be up for "best chef that owns a 44-seat restaurant AND a fast-casual eatery who's been in the industry for more than 8 years, but less than 15," too. I'm sure that was an oversight. 

Listen, my influence on the food world cannot be understated, and I just want you to see the greatness in me the same way that I do. I mean, this year alone I managed to keep my restaurants glowing in the spotlight while traveling far and wide to Aspen, Miami, and New York to remind the rest of the country that I am very, very important. I won Best New Restaurant for a restaurant that doesn't even exist. That's influence. My Instagram following swelled with new users as I took them inside my kitchens on the one day a week that I set aside for them. 

Is the competition fierce among those nominated to win "best restaurant with projected 2020 opening date"? Of course! Am I confident? Always. I was born for that award. 

Perhaps you’re thinking, “but aren’t these awards just a vanity-filled thirst trap designed to ensnare fame-hungry chefs? Isn’t it embarrassing to grovel for votes online?” Well, the answer is NO! First of all, if I didn’t think that I was considerably more talented than these other losers in this very arbitrary, very subjective contest, then I would never ask for your votes. And yes, there was that scandal a few years back with the coder we hired to hack the vote for us BUT THIS YEAR IS DIFFERENT. There is nothing wrong with puffing your chest out a bit, while loudly assuming yourself to be better than everyone else. #blessed  

So, in summary, I present this quote from the late Jacques Pepin.*  

“If you are better than the competition, you have a duty to announce that to the world. Humility be damned—trophies are pretty great.”    


[ed note: *Jacques Pepin is alive and never said this.] 






Go get 'em tigers—you're all winners in our book. 

*



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