By Richie Nakano | Photo grandriver via iStock


[Ed. note: we tried to reason with Richie on this one, we really did. 
But, melty cheese sparks childlike joy and wonder in us all! we cried. What about Raclette for god's sake?! He could not be swayed. Those of the unsettlingly gluttonous social media set have turned the once-lovable melty cheese bridge from a satisfying phenomenon into an exploitative ritual, forever filed under #foodporn. He may never recover. Let's just give him this.]

Honestly, I don’t need much this year.


I’m a relatively fortunate person—I have two great kids, a cute dog, and I drove my car about 15,000 miles beyond what the oil change sticker recommended with almost no consequences whatsoever. I'm not out here posting #blessed, but things could be worse.  

Except for one thing.  

I have a request. A plea. I know there are a lot of needy people out there who need so much more than I do, but what I'm asking for is something that I truly believe to be integral to the state of our collective well-being. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t think it was really important.  

[deep breath]: Please stop posting pictures of cheesy sandwiches being opened up on Instagram.

Ed. note: you meeeeean, like this one?


You know the ones. Two hands, each holding one half of the sandwich, slooooowly breaking the seam to reveal a gooey, cheesy cross-section. Sometimes, it's a whole tray of cheesy sandwich cross-sections or a giant stack of drippy sandwiches. You may be thinking, “C'mon man, lighten up, it's just for the 'gram,” and that's fine. There are far worse food crimes being perpetrated on social networks, but: my main concern is the sheer volume of these pictures.

There are whole Instagram accounts devoted to gloopy cheese, with hundreds of thousands of followers. And the more we follow these accounts and like their cheesy sandwich pictures, the more they will post them. Eventually, big brands will be told by their R&D firms that cheesy sandwiches are huge among “influencers” so they should make cheesy sandwiches, and you know what guys? It's only a matter of time before someone gets killed by a spilled vat of molten Velveeta. Think the Great Molasses Flood of 1919, only cheese. It sounds great in theory, but as a person who has spilled a lot of molten cheese on oneself, I can assure you IT IS NOT.  



Look, I don’t hate fun. I love fun! I'm a fun guy! I can have fun! I'm not trying to outlaw cheesy sandwiches, or grilled cheese, or tell Timmy that he cant have his microwaved Triscuits and cheddar after school. I'm just saying everything in moderation people! We need to get this thing under wraps before it becomes cool to post pictures of tuna melts. You don’t want that to happen, do you?

DO YOU? 


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