By Richie Nakano | Art by ChefsFeed

 

Water! It’s so hot right now!


(I mean, not so hot that it say, starts to boil and turns into a gas. Maybe it's better to say it's cool. I mean, not so cool that it freezes and turns into a solid…how about this. Water: it’s pretty ok!)  

It's a hell of a time to be hydrated. When it comes to your water needs, you have options: Do you drink Smart Water because you were hypnotized by Jennifer Aniston in 1999 and have never been able to break free? Are you a La Croix loyalist? Have you sampled Patina's $50 water tasting menu, or perused their FORTY-FIVE PAGE WATER MENU? Or are you perhaps on the cutting edge of cutting edge water trends, with a hankering for $15/gallon “raw” water? If none of the above, you're most likely an animal who drinks straight from the tap and is just looking for a little excitement in 2018.

Mainstream water is boring and it's your responsibility to treat yourself—if "spring hunting" under the cover of night doesn't quite fit into your evening repertoire, consider these chef-approved water add-ons. 

1. Glitter!


This first one is entry-level, yes, but it comes with a certain glam factor that plain old water lacks. Yeah, the ocean is pretty and everything, but a glass of water is just so…clear and wet. It just sloshes around and eventually evaporates—kinda like your love life. We suggest adding a healthy sprinkling of glitter. You’ll probably get a kidney infection, but the initial Instagram posts will definitely be worth it.  

2. Tuna Can Water!


Lifehack: save the tuna water from the can and add it to your drinking water for a zesty, savory character with all the flavor of fish oil, and none of the benefits. 

3. Wild water! 


Lakes? Those are made of water, friend. Iodine tablets are government-issued poison though, so best drink it straight to absorb the pure oxygen, hydrogen, and stuff that's hangin' out in the mud. Water purists are also all about that plump skin, and if that's you, oceans are probably more your jam. Saltwater is basically a bottled bloating miracle, plus salt is a mineral. Now you’re drinking mineral water like a gosh darn SUPERMODEL. Strut your stuff! (And check your blood pressure.)  

4. A bowl of rice! 


Really, what is a bowl of rice other than a bunch of water held hostage? Free that water, damn it, preferably with some chicken teriyaki or tonkatsu.  

5. Whiskey!


Whiskey has water in it I think.  

6. Pasta Water! 


If you're really looking to reach nirvana, here's a true story: a cook who had worked almost exclusively in Italian restaurants once traveled to Del Posto. He Of The Ponytail and Crocs Who Shall No Longer Be Named was there, and said he had a special gift for the table. He left, then returned with four glasses of a cloudy liquid—Del Posto pasta water. It was at its perfect viscosity, he said, and urged them to drink. My friend took a sip and gagged slightly—pasta water is starchy and saltier than the ocean (see option 3). The Sweaty Ponytail hovered over them until they all choked it down, then disappeared and never returned to their table again. "What the fuck?" this cook thought. "Does he hate us?"

The moral of this story is: maybe don't drink pasta water.



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