By Richie Nakano | iStock

Misuse of campaign finance funds is a hot topic these days, and it's no laughing matter—there are strict rules in place to make sure that trusting donors contributions are used in an honest way, with integrity and shining intentions. So when Republican state representative Duncan Hunter came under scrutiny this week, the eagle-eyed and moral among us had a few questions. 

Some choice line items from Hunter's spending:

Costco Items: $11,300
In N Out Burger: $3,300
Gourmet Steak & 30 Tequila Shots: $462.46
Pet Rabbit Airline Ticket: $600 

We’ll admit—this looks bad. Vacations and cheeseburgers and tequila shots, on the surface, looks preettttyyy egregious. And while anyone would single out a pet rabbit airline ticket as the craziest one of all…well, we got a statement from the rabbit. 

FIRST OF ALL: as an emotional support animal it is against the Americans With Disabilities Act for you to even question my presence on an airplane, or in a coffee shop, or in a private dining room at The Restaurant At Meadowood.

I can go anywhere and be as cute as I wanna be and you can’t say shit—all you can legally do is sneak a picture of me and tweet something like, “THERE’S A BUNNY ON MY FLIGHT!” Also, that ticket was in coach. Have you ever flown coach as a small mammal? There’s no hay, nowhere to leave my rabbit pellets, nothing. You think your ears get clogged on long flights? You’ve got no idea. But there I was, being a damn patriot, trying to comfort my owner, a faithful civil servant of the greatest country on earth, and you have the nerve to question it? I don’t know what this country is coming to anymore.

Now, the Costco items. Maybe you’re thinking that Duncan bought himself an expensive big screen T.V. and jewelry. Or maybe like, a hot tub, or those solar panels that you see and wonder, “who the hell is buying solar panels at Costco?” I’ll have you know that Duncan is a man of the people, and spent $11,300 on 11,300 hot dogs TO GIVE TO THE COMMUNITY. It was a humanitarian gesture, you monsters. 

And sure, the In-N-Out and tequila and steak look bad. But $3,300 at In-N-Out is only 500 Double Double Combo meals. What if some people got fries Animal Style? What if everyone subbed a milkshake for their drink? Campaign staffers have to eat too you know, and my point is some people’s heavily modified In-N-Out orders can get pricey. What if folks ordered the fabled 100x100 cheeseburger? That fucker costs $90.85 and doesn’t even come with fries! At that price you’re only feeding 36 very husky, soon to be very thirsty campaign staffers. You can scoff all you want BUT I AM COMING WITH FACTS HERE. 

And okay, you may be thinking, 30 tequila shots? In this economy? Look, politics is hard work. Folks gotta unwind. 30 shots is tame for anyone going through an ugly breakup, running a political campaign, or descending into the throes of despair from a “Still There?” message that pops up during a particularly shameful Netflix binge. And the steak? If you were to order a bone-in rib-eye you’re only looking at about 2/3 of an ounce of meat per person—just enough to take a shot and have a bite of meat. Not only is that responsible drinking, it’s frugal. OPEN YOUR EYES SHEEPLE.

UPDATE: Duncan Hunter is now shifting the blame to his wife, mulling options for a “wascally wabbit” defense.