BREAKING: The Declassified Kitchen Logs of Mar-A-Lago
Strength be with those brave kitchen souls.
May 18, 2017
By Richie Nakano | Image via Getty, Collage by ChefsFeed
This publication has recently obtained excerpts from the nightly kitchen logs of Mar-a-Lago, code name "Winter White House," mostly because Sean Spicer kept sticking gum under the tables and certain members of the good-natured night staff had had enough. We are now in communication with the kitchen and will keep you informed of the bone-chilling culinary updates from our courageous narrator—who remains unnamed at this juncture.
Wednesday jan 25: Steve was late again. We talked and he knows he's on final warning. A guest sent back her salmon because she thought it was under. I checked, it wasn't. Had corn dogs for family meal. Bringing in extra filet for tomorrow bc potus
Friday feb 2: potus's head of private security Snapchatted me "nuclear launch codes." I jokingly posted them to Facebook. They were real. I always wanted to visit Calgary, but it's gone now.
Saturday feb 3: Made my first beef wellington. Beef Wellington turned out good but potus said it was “a steak for cucks.”
Cheryl worked the patio grill this afternoon and did really well until she walked too close to Stephen Miller and got tackled by the secret service. The doctor said dislocated shoulders usually heal pretty quickly.
Sunday mar 5: Pastry has been down two cooks since Rodrigo quit. Wanted to pitch in so I made a Black Forest gateau. Potus said all forests matter and told me to do it over.
[…]
Day 64. A feral chicken wandered into the cafe at the 19th hole today. It was funny and cute at first but then it attacked Cheryl. She can only have what I assume is bird flu, but she gave up her ACA coverage in a "loyalty pledge" that potus made management sign. Also we are low on ketchup.
Day 98: I have only cooked beef and potatoes since January. Time crawls by. The ice machine has been broken for three weeks but potus says cold cola "hurts his teeth" so we haven't gotten it fixed yet. Corey has been vaping on the line, during service, but I don't have the will to stop him.
Christiano made the joke "more like mal-a-lago amirite?" He was immediately detained by ICE and deported to Bolivia. He's from Minneapolis and is Portuguese American.
Day 111: I think Jeff Sessions lives here now? He comes through the kitchen every morning and says stuff like “don’t burn that bacon, wouldn't want to have to lock you up now!” Not clear that he's joking. Last night I was walking to my car and he was wearing a valet jacket. He kept asking members “you sure this is your car?” then laughing maniacally. Food cost is up 8% because of potus insistence on two scoops of ice cream with his dessert.
Day 113: Cheryl died today. Brought in two extra cases of ketchup and crinkly fries. Potus says crinkly fries are the best fries, everyones saying how good they are, just wait and see how good these crinkly fries are, our regular fries are a mess and about to bring down the entire resort.
Day 115: We aren't allowed to serve peach cobbler this summer because of its relation to the word impeach. I muttered something about potus outlawing snowflakes during the winter and Steve Bannon told me it wasn't beyond potus reach of power to nuke the atmosphere and prevent snow.
Day 120: I have played “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nails on repeat during service for three weeks now and no one has noticed yet.
[END OF DOCUMENT]
Friday feb 2: potus's head of private security Snapchatted me "nuclear launch codes." I jokingly posted them to Facebook. They were real. I always wanted to visit Calgary, but it's gone now.
Saturday feb 3: Made my first beef wellington. Beef Wellington turned out good but potus said it was “a steak for cucks.”
Cheryl worked the patio grill this afternoon and did really well until she walked too close to Stephen Miller and got tackled by the secret service. The doctor said dislocated shoulders usually heal pretty quickly.
Sunday mar 5: Pastry has been down two cooks since Rodrigo quit. Wanted to pitch in so I made a Black Forest gateau. Potus said all forests matter and told me to do it over.
[…]
Day 64. A feral chicken wandered into the cafe at the 19th hole today. It was funny and cute at first but then it attacked Cheryl. She can only have what I assume is bird flu, but she gave up her ACA coverage in a "loyalty pledge" that potus made management sign. Also we are low on ketchup.
Day 98: I have only cooked beef and potatoes since January. Time crawls by. The ice machine has been broken for three weeks but potus says cold cola "hurts his teeth" so we haven't gotten it fixed yet. Corey has been vaping on the line, during service, but I don't have the will to stop him.
Christiano made the joke "more like mal-a-lago amirite?" He was immediately detained by ICE and deported to Bolivia. He's from Minneapolis and is Portuguese American.
Day 111: I think Jeff Sessions lives here now? He comes through the kitchen every morning and says stuff like “don’t burn that bacon, wouldn't want to have to lock you up now!” Not clear that he's joking. Last night I was walking to my car and he was wearing a valet jacket. He kept asking members “you sure this is your car?” then laughing maniacally. Food cost is up 8% because of potus insistence on two scoops of ice cream with his dessert.
Day 113: Cheryl died today. Brought in two extra cases of ketchup and crinkly fries. Potus says crinkly fries are the best fries, everyones saying how good they are, just wait and see how good these crinkly fries are, our regular fries are a mess and about to bring down the entire resort.
Day 115: We aren't allowed to serve peach cobbler this summer because of its relation to the word impeach. I muttered something about potus outlawing snowflakes during the winter and Steve Bannon told me it wasn't beyond potus reach of power to nuke the atmosphere and prevent snow.
Day 120: I have played “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nails on repeat during service for three weeks now and no one has noticed yet.
[END OF DOCUMENT]
